Whenever people gather to eat together, there is an opportunity to make memories that provide warmth on a cold night. Our lives include commitments beyond our homes — to school, work, activities, organizations, other people. Because it was fun to concoct as well as to eat, attitudes about feeding complemented competencies. Anyway, Parisians and New Yorkers eat out nearly every meal and are grateful for the comfort and blessed relative calm of a home-cooked meal. Although laissez-faire may accommodate individual differences well, the communion possible that comes with eating together is lost and the potential for sharing more than food is diminished. First parents cooked together, then each took a turn with each child, and finally the kids put together their own meal, only needing our help with the marketing. In my day we told Tallulah or Bea Lillie jokes; now everything is about sex.
Each dyad was responsible for developing a menu, marketing, cooking, and serving, each showing love to and for the others in the preparation and presentation. What happens when he or she feels like dinner at home and the other has visions of dining out? As gay men and as Americans we were insecure about cooking back then. We can change what we cook and how we cook it, accommodating individual requests, needs, changes. But we are retired, we love to please each other, we live near commercial resources, and we are always looking for ways to show our love. What provokes changes in our approach to food? First parents cooked together, then each took a turn with each child, and finally the kids put together their own meal, only needing our help with the marketing. One stuffed prunes with foie gras before wrapping them in bacon and inserting them into the cavity of a goose. At one point I was writing the whole meal out with a grease pen on standing porcelain menus. We would meet each week at one another's apartments, read our latest chapters, assure one another it was all 'brilliant' initially we were going to call our association 'the all-praise club' - and then dive into elaborate desserts we'd spent longer creating than our new pages. Offering food for the body and food for the soul while showing love makes room for these important individual differences, accommodating. It potentially became a new place to play together, experiment, partner. Only after I lived in Paris for so many years did I learn how all this could be simplified. To show that love motivates the selection, pay attention to what might please the people involved in terms of when, where, ambiance and menu. Give a toddler grape jelly to show love and a sophisticated adult a jar of pear-almond-ginger jam. Nothing but a triumph was good enough - in this most ephemeral of all arts. When I was young in the Fifties, gay men wanted to be pencil thin and some of the guys I knew were anorexics avant la lettre. Julia Child was for dummies - but hard-working, rich, perfectionist dummies. I've used gaily painted napkin rings. Who gets to feel most loved and who most loving? Home-made gazpacho in summer. Oh, well, whatever the topic the best formula - the true gay formula for a great dinner party - is superb food, a beautiful table and riotous, well-lubricated talk. Straight men usually have just one or two recipes and they trot them out every time; gay guys have a much larger repertoire and tend to observe the seasons - we cook seasonal vegetables. And they have to wash the whole thing down with a pint of lager or some cheap and plentiful plonk. Straight men are not usually food faddists, whereas gay men at least on the American seaboard have so many food taboos that a host should quiz them before working up a menu - no red meat; no gluten; no shrimp; no peanut oil; no garlic. Because it was fun to concoct as well as to eat, attitudes about feeding complemented competencies.
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